bake therapy

I cannot follow directions. CAN'T
My desire for disregard is the reason why i have no knack for cooking and must eat out all the time.
Over cooked pasta, under cooked poultry, over garlicked arborio, and caramelizing gone horribly horribly wrong. These do not make for a good meal.

So I bake. You can't get away with cheating when you bake. Well, not a lot.
I've been fidgeting with the perfect chocolate chip cookie for months (more likely- years). It started with the back of a Nestle tollhouse bag of semi-sweet chips when I was 12. It was the middle of summer and I was bored. we had everything in our cupboard except for the brown sugar. i didn't think anything of it and subbed the brown for the white. rookie mistake
it has evolved to dozens upon dozens of tic-incremental fudging of recipes. I know a few people who have achieved the "perfect chocolate chip cookie". I eat their cookies with envious pleasure and side-eyed glanced. what do they know that I have yet discovered? They have willingly offered their recipe to me, but i cannot accept. For me, it has become personal. I must venture deep into the forest of measuring cups, baking powder, sugars, and emerge with a gilded platter of chocolate chip cookies that will define my achievement in suburban housewifely womanhood.

you think i am being sarcastic.
i am not.